About two years ago, I placed a very personal piece of art up on a website I had been a member of for a few years. I felt the people there were my friends and for most of them, that was true. But for some, not so. What happened was, a few people had some issues with my artwork and rather than email me about it privately, they began a thread about the piece and told me exactly what they thought of it. Now, under normal circumstances, that would have been something I could have handled. In fact, when I initially placed the artwork on the website, I was very open to critique. But this day was different. I had not invited this critique at all and above all, I had a really sick child in my care and felt exhausted as it was through worry for her. Despite sharing this with the people on this thread, they insisted that they would continue to criticise this artwork. It was plane harassment and when this was voiced my me, I was quickly silenced by the forum admin, there reasoning being that me saying that I felt harassed was 'accusing' and that was against their forum guidelines. No matter how I worded my feelings, I was silenced by admin who continued to use their 'guidelines' as their reasoning. It soon became clear that they were manipulating the guidelines in order to have control and silence me. In the meantime, the most offensive and hurtful posts were deleted, yet my responses remained, giving the impression that I was over-reacting. It was not only this silencing and attacking that I found to be deeply, deeply traumatic. It was my first experience of cyber bullying and it was horrific. I can understand totally how people are driven to despair by such bullying. It really does render one into feeling utterly powerless. There is no worse feeling than being silenced when under attack and the feeling of powerlessness that comes with it.
I am aware that I really need to address the feelings that come about when I recall that dreadful, nightmarish weekend (yes, it went for two whole days) with some EFT and Hypnosis. The wounds are deep.
I honestly don't expect all people to like my work. That would be absurd! It isn't at all about liking or not liking my work. It is an issue of bullying and how that experience was tied to my artwork. So in my moments of physical and emotional fatigue, I am a little more inclined to allow those feelings to surface and direct my decision making. Yesterday, while feeling vulnerable, I considered closing this website. I felt very fearful. I wasn't sure what of. After some more thinking and processing, I realised that there is really nothing to fear. I have far more love surrounding me than I could ever hope for. I am safe. And I do not have to be where people are cruel and behave in a disrespectful manner. I make a conscious effort now to be only where I know people are kind, loving, gentle and respectful and where I know they would never dream of silencing me.
I will not be silenced. Ever.
So I will continue to speak my truth through my artwork. I don't expect people to like it. If they do, that it wonderful and I hope it can bring joy to others. That is all I ever wanted. To warm the hearts of others. To make people smile, to remember, to feel joy. But I know that that may not always happen. For some, my work will raise other emotions. And that is ok too. That is art! :)
In the meantime, I will push on. I will speak my truth. I am strong! I am woman! I am invincible! :D And I'll be damned if I will allow a tiny group of people and their issues to silence my into submission.
Below is a photograph of the piece of artwork that caused all the fuss. I TOTALLY get how it could seen as spooky/scary/ugly/freaky/disturbing etc. I have no problem with that!!!! I get that! But that is not my intention at all. It was the beautiful, gentle, unassisted homebirth of my fourth child that prompted this piece. It is a celebration! It is my hand, sculpted out of clay, catching my beautiful daughter as she was born.
Critiquing artwork is fine, necessary and ok. Doing it in a way that is soul destroying is not.
Anyway, here is it. It is called,
Jessica, My Freeborn.
sculpted in sculpley
painted with heat set paints